Writing Simulator

Are you ready for the thrilling life of a professional writer? The thrills of sussing out unseen stories of life around you? The shiver of excitement when you hit that perfect word or phrase? The almost constant sexual arousal of knowing you're one of the few people within a half-block radius who knows what "pluperfect" means? [[That's me! I'm raring and ready to go.]] [[I'm interested, but every waking moment is full of a vague, ill-defined sense of unease.]]

Are you convinced that you're smarter than everyone else? [[Yes, secretly.]] [[No, other people have valid points as well.]] [[You don't need the word "that" there.]]

Your enthusiasm sickens. This simulator is over. Come back when you've learned to fake the condescending world-weariness that defines the professional writer. [[Start over]]

Secretly? [[Yes. Secretly.]]

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, that is cuuuuute. You're not ready to be a writer, but you are one fine comedian. [[Start over]]

You're writer material. Now let's pick your medium. What do you want to write about? [[The world around me, man.]] [[Personal essays about me and my thoughts on things.]] [[Genre fiction that doggedly follows the rules of the genre to the point where the characters have no other purpose than to fill the tropes (femme fatale, audience surrogate, orc) created decades ago by more talented wordsmiths.]] [[Poetry.]]

Really? [[What's wrong with secretly?]]

Nothing. Nothing at all. But maybe writing isn't going to be your thing. Here's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lp5a-r3MJU" target="_blank">a video of a little octopus climbing a rock</a>. Maybe watch that for a little and leave the writing to the big kids, 'kay? [[Start over]]

You will be a JOURNALIST. You will require the following: - A laptop - Self-aggrandizing anecdotes - Coffee stains - <a href="http://www.ides.illinois.gov/IDES%20Forms%20and%20Publications/CLI111L.pdf" target="_blank">This information packet</a> [[Cool.]]

You will be a BLOGGER. You will require the following: - A laptop - Opinions based on the prejudices of your upbringing - Half-remembered out-of-context anecdotes that can be slammed in as evidence for your thoughts on the novelty news stories of the day - A wheelbarrow to hold all the goddamn money you're going to make when your book deal comes through, jerkass [[Cool.]]

Great! Do you have an idea? [[Sure don't.]] [[Nope.]] [[I wish there were a god so the universe could have a final arbiter of how pathetic and worthless my idea-less soul is.]]

I'm sorry, this is for professional writers, not zitty teens who smell like coffee, clove cigarettes and delusion. Tumblr some sentence fragments about rain being sad while you're saving up for that Moleskine and leave the writing to the writers. [[Start over]]

Have you checked your email? [[No, I'll do that.]]

No new emails. [[Check your email again]] [[Check Facebook]] [[Start writing]]

Still nothing. Oh wait, something came through. Your mom sent another video. It's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXvar-4M6VA" target="_blank">someone playing with ferrofluids</a>. [[What are ferrofluids?]] [[Start writing]] [[Check Facebook]]

Man, that person you met a couple years ago and thought you would hang out with more but didn't sure has some strong opinions on race. [[Continue reading]]

OK, let's start writing. Yep, writing. Gonna write the heck out of this thing. Just gonna write it all up. Um... do you have an idea yet? [[Nope.]]

That girl from high school is having ANOTHER kid? Jesus, I hope this one's less ugly than the last one. I'm sure it's a sweet kid, but that was a lot of forehead for a baby. [[Keep going]]

You should take advantage of this unprecedented forum for discussion and debate. [[Type "LOL"]] [[Type "^^^ This" below a comment you agree with.]] [[Type semicolon end parenthesis]] [[Kitties]]

Yep. That's the stuff. [[Check the time]]

OH JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH COTTEN I NEED TO GET THIS THING DONE! [[Start typing frantically, like any word that pops into your brain.]] [[Check your email again]]

Is it good? [[Meh.]] [[I am worthless pig-scum and I deserve all the floggings given to all the mutinous sailors on all the ships in the age of pirates and privateers.]]

Lower your standards. Is it good enough? [[Meh.]] [[I guess it's not quite as bad as getting gut-kicked by a 19th-century fighting kangaroo.]]

Do you have a gimmick you could add to save this worthless tripe? [[I guess I could set it in space.]] [[I guess I could write it as if it were a conversation between me and a real person I'll turn into an always wrong straw man.]] [[Poetry.]] [[Find a cool free program and do a hacky "choose your own adventure" rip-off.]]

Have you washed recently? [[No, I forgot to.]] [[No, that would take me past the mirror where I would see an abject failure.]]

Ugh. Have you washed recently? [[No, I forgot to.]] [[No, that would take me past the mirror where I would see an abject failure.]]

How bad do you smell? [[Pretty terrible.]] [[Probably pretty terrible, but it's hard to separate my terrible smell from the terrible smell of my room.]]

You should shower. [[Head to the bathroom.]]

Do you see the mirror? [[No, I have learned to avert my eyes from my terrible shame.]] [[Ugh. Yeah. There it is.]]

[[Shower]]

Repeat "I'm a hack" into it 17 times, as is the true writer's way. [[Done.]]

Do you keep thinking about what you're trying to write? [[I would say yes.]] [[I would say no, because I'm a stupid stinky liar.]]

Are you on deadline? [[I am on deadline.]] [[I am not.]]

... [[Sweet thundering cat biscuits, what the hell is wrong with me?]]

Get out and enjoy the sunshine, dumbass. Responsibility doesn't start until 2 a.m. the day a story's due. [[Enjoy life.]]

Are you on yet deadline? [[Nope. Gonna take a bike ride and eat some ice cream!]] [[I am on deadline.]]

How about now? Are you on deadline now? [[I'm at the zoo!]] [[I am on deadline.]]

How about now? Deadline? [[Boy, when was the last time you really sat and watched a sunset? Fireflies are magical.]] [[I am on deadline.]]

Check the time. [[I am on deadline.]]

You're an idiot. That's what's wrong with you. [[Write frantically until you hit the bare-ass minimum for whatever artistic, creative or word count goals your project has.]]

Is it good? [[Good enough.]]

Is "good enough" good enough for you? [[I guess it is.]] [[(Sigh.) No, it isn't.]]

Congratulations. You're now a professional writer. You will require the following: - 1 1/2 oz. bourbon or rye whiskey - 2 dashes Angostura bitters - 1 Sugar cube - Few dashes plain water Place the sugar cube in a rocks glass and saturate it with bitters. Add a dash of plain water. Muddle until dissolved. Fill the glass with ice cubes and add whiskey. You've now made yourself the perfect old fashioned. Drink it while saying something pretentious and grim. [[Repeat]] [[Start over]]

Oh, man they're so cool. Go Wikipedia that and the simulator will still be here when you get back. [[Start over]]

[[Shower]]

You get stuck in an endless cycle of editing and revising, editing and revising. What you're creating is beautiful, maybe even art, but your pursuit of perfection blows past every deadline. Over the months and years that follow, you find yourself revisiting the old piece less and less until you toss it on a thumb drive full of old vacation photos when you're cleaning out an old computer. You never end up putting the files on your new computer. You did not become a professional writer, just a typist with a thumb drive full of forgotten dreams. You get a rich, fulfilling personal life, though. So that's nice. [[Start over]]

You will be A PERSON WHO CREATES MASSIVE MICROSOFT WORD DOCUMENTS THAT YOU PLAN TO SHOW SOMEBODY "WHEN IT'S READY" ALTHOUGH IT NEVER SEEMS TO BE READY AND YOU NEVER SEEM TO ACTUALLY WRITE ANYTHING BUT YOU STILL CALL YOURSELF A WRITER WHEN YOU MEET PEOPLE AT PARTIES. You will require the following: - A laptop [[Cool.]]