You are standing on a staircase, part of a tide of office workers heading up the steps to an L platform for their morning commute.
You have COFFEE (a reusable Thermos and not a disposable cup because of the environmental impact), a VENTRA PASS and BUSINESS CLOTHES.
There are exits DOWN and UP.
[[Go down]]
[[Go up]]
[[Stay where you are]]
You push backwards past the line of commuters, getting angry looks and making a really nice lady spill coffee on herself. Not much coffee, and it doesn’t really show because she’s wearing a dark top, but it’s just enough to cast a pall over the rest of her day. Good job on that, jerko.
You’re on the sidewalk outside the L platform.
[[Go up]]
[[Go home]]
At the top of the stairway, you approach the revolving door thing attached to the beepy scanny fare reader thing.
You have COFFEE (a reusable Thermos and not a disposable cup because of the environmental impact), a VENTRA PASS and BUSINESS CLOTHES.
[[Use coffee]]
[[Use Ventra pass]]
[[Use business clothes]]
“Hey, some of us have to get to work!” you hear a man yell behind you.
[[Go up]]
[[Stay where you are]]
[[Start crying]]
You go home, make a big pot of tea, turn on the radio for some light background noise and spend the morning in your favorite reading chair digging into that novel you’ve been picking at for months. Your day is spent napping and cooking delicious, healthy meals for yourself. God, it’s so good to take some time for you once in a while.
You also get fired for ditching work and have to go live in that tent city in Rezkoland. You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
“Jeez, it is too early to deal with this,” the yelling guy says, pushing past you.
It’s not a huge inconvenience for him to move around you, but it’s just enough to cast a pall over the rest of his day. Good job on that, jerko.
[[Go up]]
[[Go down]]
The rotating door thing does not accept coffee.
[[Use Ventra pass]]
[[Use business clothes]]
CHECKPOINT 1 UNLOCKED
You swipe your Ventra pass, it makes the bad beep thing once, but then it makes the good beep thing, you go through that revolving door thing and, guess what Charlie, you’re on the L platform.
[[Yay!]]
The rotating door thing does not accept business clothes.
[[Use coffee]]
[[Use Ventra pass]]
You are on the L platform. There are exits to the EAST, WEST and BY JUMPING ON THE TRACKS.
[[West]]
[[East]]
[[Jump on the tracks because you’ve got a perverse whim to thrust your digital self into danger you yourself will never have the recklessness to try, like how sometimes when you were a kid you would make Frogger jump in the water on a lark, or that time you were in prep school during World War II and you jounced the limb so Finny would fall and a man named John Knowles turned the incident into his most famous work, “A Separate Peace”]]
You make your way east across the platform, pushing your way through a crowd of commuters. You accidentally step on the heel of a lady wearing sandals. You apologize immediately, and it doesn’t hurt that badly, but it’s just enough to cast a pall over the rest of her day. Good job on that, jerko.
You reach the end of the platform. There’s a BIG LOCKED METAL BOX THING, ONE OF THOSE SCREENS THAT SAY HOW LONG IT WILL BE UNTIL THE TRAIN GETS THERE and THAT GUY YOU MET A COUPLE TIMES WHO WAS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO THAT FRIEND OF YOUR EX.
[[Try to open the box]]
[[Check how long it will be until the train gets there]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
[[Say “Hi, Mike!”]]
[[Say “Hi, Terry!”]]
[[Say “Hey.”]]
You just came from the west
[[East]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
You jump on the tracks, hit the third rail and die. You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 1]]
You are on the L platform. There are exits to the EAST, WEST and BY JUMPING ON THE TRACKS.
[[West]]
[[East]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
You jump on the tracks, hit the third rail and die. You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 1]]
You try to open the box, pushing and grunting with all your might. It doesn’t work and eventually a CTA lady in a reflective vest has to come out of her booth to ask you to knock it off. I think they only have like road salt or something in those anyway.
[[Check how long it will be until the train gets there]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
[[Say “Hi, Mike!”]]
[[Say “Hi, Terry!”]]
[[Say “Hey.”]]
"We're sorry. Arrival information is not currently available for service at this station."
[[Try to open the box]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
[[Say “Hi, Mike!”]]
[[Say “Hi, Terry!”]]
[[Say “Hey.”]]
“Actually, it’s Steve,” he says.
He’s not terribly offended by the slight, but it’s just enough to cast a pall over the rest of his day. Good job on that, jerko.
[[Make awkward small talk]]
[[Try to open the box]]
[[Check how long it will be until the train gets there]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“Actually, it’s Steve,” he says.
He’s not terribly offended by the slight, but it’s just enough to cast a pall over the rest of his day. Good job on that, jerko.
[[Make awkward small talk]]
[[Try to open the box]]
[[Check how long it will be until the train gets there]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“Hey,” he replies.
[[Make awkward small talk]]
[[Try to open the box]]
[[Check how long it will be until the train gets there]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“I’m good, good,” he says. “The wedding plans are going well.”
[[Say “Oh that’s nice.”]]
[[Say “I feel a deep connection to you although we never talked much. Must we be strangers? Might we not become friends, the truest of companions through life’s challenges?”]]
There’s an awkward silence.
[[Take a short sip of coffee]]
[[Take a long sip of coffee]]
[[Say “Yep"]]
[[Make little “pew pew” sounds with your lips, like it’s a space raygun from ‘50s sci-fi]]
There’s an awkward silence.
[[Take a short sip of coffee]]
[[Take a long sip of coffee]]
[[Say “Yep"]]
[[Make little “pew pew” sounds with your lips, like it’s a space raygun from ‘50s sci-fi]]
“Well, it’s good to see you,” he says, putting in earbuds but, you notice, not pressing play on anything.
[[Wait where you are]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“Well, it’s good to see you,” he says, putting in earbuds but, you notice, not pressing play on anything.
[[Wait where you are]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“Well, it’s good to see you,” he says, putting in earbuds but, you notice, not pressing play on anything.
[[Wait where you are]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
“Well, it’s good to see you,” he says, putting in earbuds but, you notice, not pressing play on anything.
[[Wait where you are]]
[[Jump on the tracks]]
You wait, in silence, on the track. You’re thinking deep thoughts about your own life, your friends, your family, lovers of the past. You are surrounded, swarmed, lost amid a hive of people thinking their own deep thoughts about their own lives, friends, family, lovers. What would they say? What would they say if you could just break beyond these societal walls and truly reach out to another human being and-
Oh look, the train’s here.
[[Wait for the train to stop]]
[[Take off all your business clothes and dance naked across the platform]]
CHECKPOINT 2 UNLOCKED
The train pulls up, lurches a bit, then stops. You are equidistant between two cars.
The car to your LEFT is packed with people, like if sardines all decided to move to downtown Tokyo during rush hour.
The car to your RIGHT is empty.
[[Go left]]
[[Go right]]
You end up becoming a brief internet sensation after people start posting videos of your surprisingly joyful nude commuter samba. You’re also arrested, fired from your job and the person you had a breathless crush on in high school quietly blocks you on Facebook because ewww.
You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 1]]
The doors open on the car. A gaggle of commuters silently turn to look at you but say nothing, like the end of Hitchcock's "The Birds."
But like the end of "The Birds," you know you must pass through this throng. And like the filming of "The Birds," there's a fat man behind you screaming horrible things unless you move where he wants you to.
[[Say "Excuse me"]]
[[Push your way in]]
[[Murder everyone]]
No, you fool! You fell for <a href="http://1001chicago.com/437/" target="_blank">the lucky seat</a>!
The lucky seat (also called the “smellag” – thank for that one, Bill) is when you are so excited at the possibility of an empty car you forget to wonder why the car is empty.
You rush into the car and are immediately overcome with a thick, dank, almost tangy human aroma of B.O. You crumble to the ground, tears streaming from your face and, as you succumb to the rich blackness of death, your last thought is this:
“I have failed to master the Chicago L.”
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 2]]
The train pulls up, lurches a bit, then stops. You are equidistant between two cars.
The car to your LEFT is packed with people, like if sardines all decided to move to downtown Tokyo during rush hour.
The car to your RIGHT is empty.
[[Go left]]
[[Go right]]
No dice, the place is too crowded.
[[Push your way in]]
Sorry, too crowded.
[[Say "Excuse me"]]
[[Use your juggling skills]]
[[Use the classic art of Italian clowning]]
[[Use your ventriloquism skills]]
[[Cry and cry until the tears just flow]]
… wow. I put that option in there as a joke. I didn’t think anyone would…
You need help, man.
[[Start from checkpoint 2]]
It turns out you can't juggle.
[[Use the classic art of Italian clowning]]
[[Use your ventriloquism skills]]
[[Cry and cry until the tears just flow]]
You immediately begin an intricate, one-person 16th century Italian clown show portraying the pompous Pedrolinno keeping Isabella apart from her love Florindo.
"Pedrolinno is a primo zanni character in classic Commedia dell'Arte, not a vecci character!" a woman inside the train yells. "You're thinking of Il Dottore!"
She's right of course. You're humiliated. And still not on the train.
[[Use your juggling skills]]
[[Use your ventriloquism skills]]
[[Cry and cry until the tears just flow]]
Using your famed ventriloquism skills (you're a ventriloquist, I forgot to mention that), you throw your voice so it sounds like someone in the car yelled "Coming out!"
The people blocking the door step outside to let the phantom person out and you zip in, no one the wiser.
Congratulations, you're an awful person.
[[Whatever]]
"Show some self-respect!" a voice behind you commands.
You turn. It's your favorite college professor, the one you admired so greatly. She's staring at you right now, ashamed she was ever in the same classroom as you. You're humilated, and still not on the train.
[[Use your juggling skills]]
[[Use the classic art of Italian clowning]]
[[Use your ventriloquism skills]]
CHECKPOINT 3 UNLOCKED
The train lurches out of your stop. You have two stops remaining before your destination.
You have COFFEE, BUSINESS CLOTHES and a VENTRA PASS (used).
Nearest to you among the densely packed car are a MAN, a WOMAN and a BABY.
[[Talk to the man]]
[[Talk to the woman]]
[[Make faces at the baby]]
[[Hum to yourself]]
[[Sip your coffee]]
“Hey,” you say to the man.
He pretends not to hear you and readjusts his earbuds.
[[Talk to the woman]]
[[Make faces at the baby]]
[[Hum to yourself]]
[[Sip your coffee]]
“Hey,” you say to the woman.
She smiles and pretends not to speak English.
[[Talk to the man]]
[[Make faces at the baby]]
[[Hum to yourself]]
[[Sip your coffee]]
You have made faces at a baby. +10 experience points and level up melee damage.
[[Talk to the man]]
[[Talk to the woman]]
[[Hum to yourself]]
[[Sip your coffee]]
"Hmmmmmm hmm hmmmmmmmm hmm hmmmmmmm," you hum, a pitch-perfect hum rendition of Aqua's 1997 smash hit "Barbie Girl."
[[Talk to the man]]
[[Talk to the woman]]
[[Make faces at the baby]]
[[Wait in silence until the train pulls up to the first stop]]
[[Sip your coffee]]
Sluuuuuuuurp.
[[Talk to the man]]
[[Talk to the woman]]
[[Make faces at the baby]]
[[Hum to yourself]]
CHECKPOINT 4 UNLOCKED
The train pulls out of the first stop. You have one more stop, and then your destination.
You’re bored now, but didn’t bring a book, phone, reader, iPad, newspaper, magazine, soup can label, cuneiform tablet or anything else to read. You decide to read over someone’s shoulder.
Your options are a YOUNG WOMAN in front of you reading something on a Kindle, a TEENAGE BOY texting, an AGE-APPROPRIATE ATTRACTIVE PERSON OF THE GENDER YOU FIND SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE doing a crossword puzzle and an OLD MAN reading a book.
[[Young woman]]
[[Teenage boy]]
[[Age-appropriate attractive person of the gender I find sexually attractive]]
[[Old man]]
The young woman catches you reading and pulls her Kindle closer to her, shooting you an annoyed look.
[[Teenage boy]]
[[Age-appropriate attractive person of the gender I find sexually attractive]]
[[Old man]]
SUP GAY NOOB
MAN UR GAY
NAW MAN UR THE GAYEST
GAY GAY GAY
GAYNOOB
GAYBE GAY GAY
GAY
HOW’S TRINA DOING?
FINE SINCE THE SURGERY, THANKS FOR ASKING YOU BIG GAY.
You feel your head start to quake and wobble reading the text exchanges of a teenage boy. Soon, the pressure builds. You have an aneurism and die. The EMT softly shakes her head as she writes down “death by stupid” on her sheet. It was the third one today.
You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 4]]
Looking over the crossword puzzle, your eyes lock briefly. The attractive person flashes a quick, bright smile and you can feel those beautiful eyes caressing your features, finding pleasure in what they take. Your heart quickens.
They quietly flick their eyes away, back to the puzzle. You peer over.
“I can’t get this one,” the attractive person says in a honeyed voice that makes you tingle down to your toes, tapping 17 across with a pencil.
It says “Fred Flintstone’s famous cry: Yabba dabba ___.”
[[Say “Doo”]]
[[Say “Hamburger”]]
The old man is reading something with a cool-looking volcano on each other. Some neat sci-fi thing about how something called an “engram” can be used to help erase the damage of “The Reactive Mind.”
You’re getting to the part about how a group called The Clear would become the planet’s new aristocracy when the old man catches you.
“I see you’re interested in my book. Would you like to learn more about it?” he asks, handing you a copy.
You read the name on the cover.
[[“’Dianetics,’ huh? Sounds neat.”]]
[[“AAAAAAAH! Scientologist! Loose Scientologist!”]]
The train pulls out of the first stop. You have one more stop, and then your destination.
You’re bored now, but didn’t bring a book, phone, reader, iPad, newspaper, magazine, soup can label, cuneiform tablet or anything else to read. You decide to read over someone’s shoulder.
Your options are a YOUNG WOMAN in front of you reading something on a Kindle, a TEENAGE BOY texting, an AGE-APPROPRIATE ATTRACTIVE PERSON OF THE GENDER YOU FIND SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE doing a crossword puzzle and an OLD MAN reading a book.
[[Young woman]]
[[Teenage boy]]
[[Age-appropriate attractive person of the gender I find sexually attractive]]
[[Old man]]
You sit next to the man, entranced by his words. A few months later, you’ve quit your job and are filling out the first few months of your billion-year Sea Org contract by working on the Freewinds for $75 a week out of Curacao.
You have abandoned your family and joined a cult. You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 4]]
The old man looks offended and snatches his book back. You later hear he becomes an eighth-level Operating Thetan, capable of communicating with plants and animals and of knowing which of his past lives were false, so you might have missed out there.
Over whose shoulder should you read now?
[[Young woman]]
[[Teenage boy]]
[[Age-appropriate attractive person of the gender I find sexually attractive]]
The person laughs, a touch of heaven’s angelic chorus in the sound.
“You’re funny,” the person says, turning back to the crossword and trying to write the word “sack” in the three-letter space.
[[Say “I’m pretty sure it’s ‘doo.’”]]
The person whose appearance sates every evolutionary crave you have tries to write “Hamburger” in the three-space word. A furrow crosses the person’s otherwise flawless brow.
“It doesn’t fit,” the person says.
Oh god. The person's an idiot.
[[Turn away quickly]]
[[Say “Doo”]]
You try to turn away, but then the person flashes that smile again, the one that makes you feel both safe and very, very in danger at the exact same moment. It’s a feeling you like. It’s a feeling you want more of.
[[Say “Doo”]]
“Yabba dabba doo?” the person says. “That doesn’t make sense.”
[[“It makes more sense than sack.”]]
“Yabba dabba sack makes a lot of sense. I think it’s a Greek dish,” says the person with the eyes like diamonds and fog.
“Speaking of Greek food, I happen to know a place that serves really good souvlaki,” the incredibly, start-the-wedding-and-tell-your-mama-grandkids-are-a’comin’ attractive person suddenly adds. “It’s a quiet, intimate spot. I know this is forward, but would you like to join me for dinner and maybe… something after?”
[[“That sounds great.”]]
[[“It’s doo. Yabba dabba DOO.”]]
“Excuse me,” a voice butts in.
It’s an incredibly attractive person of the gender the incredibly attractive person you’re talking to is attracted to.
“I believe Fred Flintstone says yabba dabba doo,” your new rival says.
“I both respect and am sexually aroused by you challenging me intellectually,” the crossword hottie declares.
The two wrap their arms around each other and have a kiss so powerful and moving the entire L car starts applauding for and weeping at the purity and majesty of their new-found and permanent love.
Meanwhile, the teenage boy who was texting calls you gay and you die alone. You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 4]]
“Look, buddy and/or lady depending on the gender identity of the person playing this text-based roleplaying game, I don’t know who died and made you the world’s expert on this Frank Flantston.”
[[“It’s Fred Flintstone!”]]
[[“Yabba dabba doo, you gorgeous idiot! YABBA! DABBA! DOO!”]]
The entire car stops to turn to you, the person screaming about 1960s cartoons at top volume on a crowded train. You hear the soft click of someone taking a photo with their phone and you know you’re now on the internet forever, possibly as a meme. At the next stop, the attractive person gets off, never to see you again.
[[Sit in shame until the next stop]]
The entire car stops to turn to you, the person screaming about 1960s cartoons at top volume on a crowded train. You hear the soft click of someone taking a photo with their phone and you know you’re now on the internet forever, possibly as a meme. At the next stop, the attractive person gets off, never to see you again.
[[Sit in shame until the next stop]]
CHECKPOINT 5 UNLOCKED
The train pulls away from the second stop. You’re on your final leg of the trip.
As the train rumbles out, the doors connecting the cars start to open. Oh god, nothing but trouble comes through those doors.
You hear a voice fill the car.
“Excuse me! I am a [<i>sob story that’s sadder still because you know in your heart the person’s real-life experiences would be much more tragic and personal than this current lie about needing five bucks for insulin or Greyhound fare or whatnot</i>] so whatever anyone can spare would be appreciated.”
He starts shuffling toward you. You quickly realize that it’s the year 2016 and you pay for everything with a debit card. You have no cash or change you could give him even if you wanted to.
[[Say “Sorry”]]
[[Ignore the person]]
You say "Sorry" and a bit more of your humanity dies. He shuffles off. You feel terrible.
Soon the car doors open again. A man in his 20s comes through, walking up to you with a box of M&M’s.
[[“Sorry”]]
[[Ignore the man]]
You ignore the person and a bit more of your humanity dies. He shuffles off. You feel terrible.
Soon the car doors open again. A man in his 20s comes through, walking up to you with a box of M&M’s.
[[“Sorry”]]
[[Ignore the man]]
“Please, it’s for my youth sports team for children like me,” the man in his 20s declares.
[[You stay firm]]
[[You give in]]
“Please, it’s for my youth sports team for children like me,” the man in his 20s declares.
[[You stay firm]]
[[You give in]]
“I don’t like what you say, but I do respect your steadfastness,” the man in his 20s says. “In a better world than this, we could have been as friends.”
[[“Here’s to that better world.”]]
[[“Oh, for Christ’s sake, kid, I’ll buy your damn candy.”]]
“Ha!” the man says. “I’m actually an undercover journalist from the local TV news doing an exposé of idiots who give money to the sports team scam. You’re a chucklehead and everyone who watches local TV news will soon know it!”
He makes good on his word and soon every bedridden invalid over 90 knows you’re a chucklehead.
You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 5]]
The train pulls away from the second stop. You’re on your final leg of the trip.
As the train rumbles out, the doors connecting the cars start to open. Oh god, nothing but trouble comes through those doors.
You hear a voice fill the car.
“Excuse me! I am a [sob story that’s sadder still because you know in your heart the person’s real-life experiences would be much more tragic and personal than this current lie about needing five bucks for insulin or Greyhound fare or whatnot] so whatever anyone can spare would be appreciated.”
He starts shuffling toward you. You quickly realize that it’s the year 2016 and you pay for everything with a debit card. You have no cash or change you could give him even if you wanted to.
[[Say “Sorry”]]
[[Ignore the person]]
A nod shared between you and he walks off. As he walks away, a single tear traces a path down your cheek. “Don’t go,” you mouth, but no sound comes.
Yes, you think. To that better world.
The train pulls up to your station. You walk out, wiser than before.
You have:
- WALKED UP STAIRS
- USED A VENTRA PASS
- WAITED ON A PLATFORM
- SURVIVED SMALL TALK WITH CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES
- AVOIDED THE STANKY CAR
- BOARDED A TRAIN
- SURVIVED COLD SILENCE
- HUMILIATED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF A BEAUTIFUL PERSON
- FELT TERRIBLE ABOUT NOT HAVING GIVING A HOMELESS PERSON MONEY
- NOT PURCHASED SCAM CANDY
You have mastered the Chicago L.
But you are standing in a puddle of barf right now, so wash off and haul ass to work.
[[Start over]]
“Ha!” the man says. “I’m actually an undercover journalist from the local TV news doing an exposé of idiots who give money to the sports team scam. You’re a chucklehead and everyone who watches local TV news will soon know it!”
He makes good on his word and soon every bedridden invalid over 90 knows you’re a chucklehead.
You have failed to master the Chicago L.
[[Start over]]
[[Start from checkpoint 5]]