1,001 Chicago Afternoons

1. Han and Chewy save Lumpy, Itchy and Malla, but the real hero is comedy legend Art Carney.
2. The Sith’s darkest dark lord is Mel Brooks mainstay Harvey Korman.
3. “The Star Wars Holiday Special” (1978) was written in a truly dark era of sci fi, comedy and CBS programming. » Read the rest of this entry «

I just wrote something really funny and sharp and incisive. I trashed it.

It was about the biggest shopping day of the year coming tomorrow and it had smart stuff about Judean shepherds and people who point out pagan traditions and a bit on Julia Stiles, Vanilla Ice and Chef Rick Bayless that, in context, would have made you laugh.

But I deleted it, because this season, my wish is for something real. » Read the rest of this entry «

Although Hanukkah is over, there is actually another gift-giving holiday in December.

Followers of the sect known as Christianity celebrate a special day called “Christ-mas” in which trees are slaughtered, cookies are left for fat, flying elvish deer-herders and Irishmen receive massive amounts of birds.

In case you want to purchase a gift for this regional folk festival, here are some ideas that will support a few of the people and organizations I’ve written about in the 150 stories that have appeared on this site so far in 2015. » Read the rest of this entry «

“Poverty is a relatively mild disease for even a very flimsy American soul, but uselessness will kill strong and weak souls alike, and kill every time.

“We must find a cure.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, “God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater.”

This morning I got up early to write a post on how the CTA bus ad for the Holiday Train looks like a monstrous Santa Claus is about to devour an ‘L’ car before wreaking Godzilla-style havoc on the terrorized cityscape behind.

But I’m not going to write that. Instead, I’m going to ask for your stories of feeling useless. » Read the rest of this entry «

There are two seasons in Chicago: Winter and construction.

Although this joke is commonly applied to many major metropolitan areas, Chicago’s position as a northern U.S. city (latitude 41°52′55″N according to this version of Wikipedia apparently written in a Scottish accent) coupled with the “lake effect” of cold winds move across long expanses of warmer lake water, picking up water vapor which freezes and is deposited on the Lake Michigan lee shores, creates cold and snowy winters. » Read the rest of this entry «

The sun beat down with a sickening thud. Thick patinas of sweat lubed each passerby’s forehead, with a few sporting perspiration-darkened underarms on their shirts.

The soundtrack was the constant whine and chime of cicadas.

Online, my friends celebrate the start of September, pledging allegiance to and posting stati longing for summer’s dark mistress, the killer of leaves and creator of approximately 50,008 new artisanal pumpkin-spiced brews, each one promising to taste more like pie than the last.

They want to “break out” the autumn wardrobe. They long for boots, sweaters, crunchy leaves and the chilling of this delightful thick thud of heat.

These traitors to summer long for autumn. And I say thee no.

No, I do not accept the end of summer. » Read the rest of this entry «

His voice got angry a bit as he related the story. Sad and distant too somehow.

“There was this old lady in the house, and her puppy too. They both drowned.”

“And you saw that?”

The barber nodded and ran a comb through my hair. I had brought up Hurricane Katrina. He brought up the editorial. » Read the rest of this entry «

500. Half a thou. D, to the ancient Romans. As close to the halfway point of the project as an odd-numbered goal allows.

So what should I write this milestone story about?

I decided to toss that question to the folks who made up the first 499, asking the people who got me this far how I should kick off the second half. » Read the rest of this entry «

The following is a work of satire, in the vein of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” As with Swift’s masterwork, in which Robert Redford pays Woody Harrelson $1 million for a night with Demi Moore, the following work should not be taken at face value. All rights reserved. Member FDIC. » Read the rest of this entry «

Narrated by the city of Chicago itself, 1953′s “City That Never Sleeps” is the story of a love triangle between a cop, a night club dancer and the guy who pretends to be a robot in the club’s storefront window.

And it just gets weirder from there.

» Read the rest of this entry «