#602: Chicago, the Home of the Pie in the Face

March 2nd, 2016 § permalink

The largest pie fight in cinematic history was in Laurel and Hardy’s “The Battle of the Century” from 1927. More than 3,000 pies were used.

The most famous unseen pie fight was the original ending of 1963’s “Dr. Strangelove,” in which a massive pie fight breaks out in the war room. It was scrapped because no one told the actors to play it straight, or because it was filmed shortly before Kennedy was shot and the line “Our President has been struck down in his prime!” after getting hit by a pie was a little close to home, depending on which version of the story you believe.

But the very first cinematic pie in the face in history was right here in Chicago. » Read the rest of this entry «

#601: The Bare Minimum Voting Guide

February 29th, 2016 § permalink

I opened the door and a crisply printed cardstock flier featuring a handsome, smiling, toothy lawyer in a suit fluttered to the porch.

He wants to be my judge.

A bit under five minutes into my walk, my phone rang. It was a Chicago Teachers Union member telling me nice things about one of the people who wants to be my state senator.

Throughout my brief stroll, fliers were crammed under doorknobs, signs were stuck in yards and zip-tied to railings. People wanting to be my judges, state reps, committeemen, water reclamation district commissioners — a mess of slogans and pledges and six-pointed Chicago flag stars.

On March 15, voters will have to make sense of this mess.

This guide can help. It won’t make you an expert, just cover some bare minimum stuff you’ll need to get through the next two weeks. » Read the rest of this entry «

#600: The Why

February 26th, 2016 § permalink

Joe was poised and professional, knew just when to pounce with a “So what are we thinking?” when he caught me eying a blue checked blazer a bit too long for my interest to be casual.

Joe was a bit older, still well in the realm of middle age, but clearly past the midpoint of it. His smile was calm and practiced, a salesman in his element of $1,495 blue checked Canali blazers and paired slacks of a mere $375.

Joe loves Chicago’s culture.

“Music, theater, modern dance — all those things,” he said. ”It’s like New York, but a bit more manageable.”  » Read the rest of this entry «

#599: Days of Doctor Morbulus

February 24th, 2016 § permalink

I recently came across several short pieces of fiction I wrote in my early 20s.

A few summaries:

  • A time travel agency in Byzantium deals with fussy tourists.
  • The Hamburglar gives a Scared Straight speech.
  • Doctor Philo Morbulus and his race of atomic supermen run into Terry from high school.
  • The punk rock detective love story of Parakeet and Mega Maude.
  • A woman converts the entirety of her apartment into a Mold-A-Rama producing life-sized plastic gorillas. Also a love story. » Read the rest of this entry «

#598: Green and Gray

February 22nd, 2016 § permalink

We slid up from the south, pop songs blazing and engine putt-putt-putting happily along the highway path.

The sun had burst through the clouds behind us, gray skies ahead from cumuli not yet scattered. We were in the light and dark at once.

Through the distance, so far ahead that it looked a shade of blue, Sears Tower poked.

“There she is,” I said, gesturing at the blue-tinged city skyline.

“Ugh,” my girlfriend replied.

I felt the same. » Read the rest of this entry «

#597: Australia, Perfect Sandwiches and the Semi-Simpson Bar

February 19th, 2016 § permalink

He was from Australia, he said. He missed beaches.

He and his friends used to cut class to head to the beaches of New South Wales. They would cut class, then head to the store, buy fresh bread and some meat. They would make sandwiches to eat as they swam and sunned themselves.

He’s a chef now. He works at a downtown fancy place, one so fancy the name’s not a real English word. He makes his living among the highest end of cuisine, but the only food he waxed poetic about when we talked were the sandwiches he and friends a world and lifetime away made on hooky days at the beach.

Oh, and he loves fucking bitches.

“I love fucking bitches!” he yelled as the bar dog whined at a newcomer and the bartender pretended not to see that the Aussie was flagging for shots. » Read the rest of this entry «

#596: The Human Web

February 17th, 2016 § permalink

On Western Avenue, one of the spots where the highway crosses, just south of the movie theater where $15.08 on a Fandango gift card will get you a widescreen superhero flick with assigned stadium seating and surround sound, a human web was plastered to an underpass.

It was a web of tarps, of cloth. Of mattresses and bed sheets and blankets and shirts and any other bit of fabric the homeless men who lived there could cement, glue, shove or staple into the slight corner made by the underpass supports.

Filling every corner and crevice of the underpass edge, it looked like nothing but a trapdoor spider’s web. » Read the rest of this entry «

#595: Media’s Rest

February 15th, 2016 § permalink

Innovation. Luxury. Sleek design.

These were some of the watchwords at the Chicago Auto Show’s media center.

In my pre-blog newspaper days, I was no stranger to the event media center. These are little rooms, tents or other quiet spots where reporters covering everything from auto shows to music festivals can get away from the throng and commit the hard-hitting acts of journalism you can only get from local reporters covering auto shows and music festivals.

If you want some quiet, a cup of lukewarm coffee and a spot to transcribe a 5-year-old saying “I liked it. It was fun.” an event’s media center is where you want to be. » Read the rest of this entry «

#594: Voting Does Matter – An Open Letter to the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye

February 12th, 2016 § permalink

On Feb. 8, 2016, eight days before the Illinois online voter registration deadline, RedEye — a website and small print tabloid the Chicago Tribune puts out to catch the commuter crowd — published a pro-con on voting pitting two 24-year-old journalists against each other.

Catching most of the online flack was Rianne Coale, who wrote the piece “I’ve Never Voted: Here’s Why.” Five-second review: Sad and self-defeating, the author of RedEye’s voting guide saying voting is confusing and dull.

Easy target. No points me.

Although Coale’s limp blurb frustrated, I found Tyler Davis’ pro-voting piece more disturbing in the long run. Here’s how it ended:

“But if you’d rather not vote, I’m not going to judge. I imagine that nonvoters must look at this whole system and feel powerless, and uninformed voters probably feel overwhelmed. Personally, I feel empowered when I vote.”

I do judge. Because their apathy should not be seen as equal to my action. And frankly, Davis, it’s not about how you feel.

So, leaving out of it the two 24-year-olds who will move on to regret this moment in their careers, here is an open letter to the editors of the Chicago Tribune’s RedEye on their decision to legitimize and normalize political self-castration. » Read the rest of this entry «

#593: It Rhymes in Polish – A Poem on Injustice, Pączki Day and Stomach Bugs

February 10th, 2016 § permalink

For this of the Chicago Afternoons, we
Talk of injustice and pączki. » Read the rest of this entry «

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