#345: Why I Was the Real Winner of the 2014 Superman-Hulk Debates Against the Chicago Teachers Union President

July 11th, 2014

Chicago Teachers Union President Karen Lewis is not waiting for Superman.

I write this post with nothing but respect and admiration for Karen Lewis. She has proved herself a valiant leader and a powerful voice on behalf of our city’s educators. She is a proven agent of change in a city and in a school district that certainly needs all it can get.

But as I found out Wednesday night on Twitter, she doesn’t know crap about the Incredible Hulk.

You can read the main thread of the exchange, but basically, journalist Scott Smith, who tweets as @ourmaninchicago, posted this at 7:33 p.m.

I’m tired. Can we talk about something dumb for a little while? Half an hour? Superman vs Hulk – who wins? Superman obviously. COME AT ME!

Six minutes later, Karen Lewis, CTU president, came right at him.

@ourmaninchicago Hulk.

This aggression must not stand.

Now, no offense to the Hulk. He’s a great character and a formidable mindless rage monster, but let’s look at the evidence.

Superman is the Hulk but with laser eyes, flight, superspeed, weird stuff like frozen air breath and a capacity to reason that exceeds a 3 year old who does NOT want to go down for his nap. It would go “HULK SMA-oh look, I’m in space.”

(The Hulk then passes out from lack of oxygen, reverts to Banner and is taken gently back to earth by Superman, who works tirelessly with the Justice League to cure the Hulk’s condition.)

That’s Superman’s whole thing: He can’t be beaten. All he does is zoom around, not being beaten and making every foiled mugging an exercise in overkill. I felt it important that the head of the Chicago Teachers Union know this.

At 7:57 p.m., I joined in.

 . @ourmaninchicago @KarenLewisCTU SM can also strategize beyond “SMASH!” and YES I AM IN A TWITTER DEBATE WITH KAREN LEWIS ON SUPES V. HULK!

Then at 8:12 p.m. June 9, 2014, a dagger. A kryptonite dagger in the back of our benevolent tights-wearing alien overlord.

@1001chicago @ourmaninchicago Superman is a tool ofthe ruling class.

Yes, that happened. Let’s take a moment to soak that in.

@1001chicago @ourmaninchicago Superman is a tool ofthe ruling class.

Now, I’m not a man who overreacts to things, but when I noticed this 40 minutes later, it was like getting stomped in the face by Mongol, Darkseid, Doomsday and a bunch of underpaid caddies in golf cleats all at once.

At 8:53 p.m., I responded.

@KarenLewisCTU @ourmaninchicago Bruce Banner literally made bombs for the army. He’s just one big, green military-industrial complex.

And at 8:55 p.m.

@KarenLewisCTU @ourmaninchicago Clark Kent meanwhile has newspapers and a family-owned farm on HIS resume. As ruling class as a street mime.

From her end, silence. Crushing, beautiful silence as she writhed in the grip of reason, her objections and even ability to respond destroyed by my pure, cold Lex Luthorish logic.

Or she had gone to bed.

Either way, the debate now over, Scott Smith eloquently summarized his agreement with my position at 8:57 p.m.

@1001chicago @KarenLewisCTU Yes!

I made a funny Facebook status about this and went to bed feeling like a certain C. Kent after he once again outwitted Mr. Mxylptlk into spelling out “kltplyxm,” which forces Mxy to return to his home dimension for 90 days and… man, the 1950s had some really stupid comic plots.

Either way, we made the Sun-Times.

And NBC 5.

Granted, it’s just their political blogs (NBC 5′s “Ward Room” and the Sun-Times‘ “Early and Often”), so it’s not like we’re getting ink or air here, just pixels. But somewhere in the history of those two organizations, in NBC 5′s 66 years and the Sun-Times’ 170, among tales of crime and corruption, fire-starting cows, Al Capone and hired trucks, there will forever be me taking the teachers’ union president to task about whether the Incredible Hulk could beat Superman in a fight.

Which brings me to the reason for this article: NBC, Sun-Times, print my goddamn response.

Both posts were quick, to the point and catchy, fun, quick-hit things. But both ended with the following two tweets, both from Lewis:

@1001chicago @ourmaninchicago Superman is a tool ofthe ruling class.

Right into…

@ourmaninchicago Next debate: Star Trek v Star Wars.

No repeating of my crushing, Brainiacian reasoning. No evidence that the argument continued beyond Lewis’ last word, with Smith even trying to restart it the next day (where it actually got really interesting).

I was right about Superman winning in a fight against the Incredible Hulk and the mainstream media silenced my important message.

This made me angry. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I get, like, really passive-aggressive.

Readers, tell NBC! Tell the Sun-Times! Also comment on my Facebook page because I end every story by sending people there anyway and we’re coming to the end!

Let them know my tweets should be heard! Let them know the Hulk is a war profiteer! Let them know Superman is NOT the tool of the ruling class (except in “Dark Knight Returns”)! He is a newspaper reporter who can fly and that is awesome.

Also, let NBC know not to call Superman “the Caped Crusader.” That’s Batman. Get it together, NBC.

I write way too much about Superman 1

Way too much 2

But I also write touching and somewhat sad true stories that reflect on the human condition

I write a few of those

And I also wrote about teachers during the strike

But also about Superman 3

Like, seriously, a lot of Superman 4

1 1,001 Chicago Afternoons, “#122: Dudes’ Night”
2 Huffington Post, “Dear Britain: Give Us Back Superman, or We’re Taking ‘Doctor Who’”
3 Unsubmitted Cracked spec article, “The Four Most Unrealistic Things About Superman (Are Not What You Think)”
4 My old content farm, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a Casting Call!”

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