#436: The Mayoral Candidates’ Campaign Finance Paperwork in the Style of Great Poets of History

February 9th, 2015

All poetry has been based on the candidates’ most recent D-2 quarterly reports and any A-1 reports made available on the Illinois State Board of Election’s website as of Feb. 8, 2015.

 

Willie Wilson in the style of Edgar Allen Poe

I thought this story would be sweeter in trochaic octameter,
But the odds his funds will meet or surpass Rahm’s coffers are poor.
The medical supply place owner is practically his only donor.
One-fifty K in the last three months of twenty and one-four.
Of twenty and one-four.

But 2015’s seen a rise in cash influx of his devisin’.
The scale and scope and insane sizin’ of these loans one must abhor.
This political civilian has dropped near one point eight six million
Since New Year’s Day, according to A-1s, which list donations of 1K or more.
He’ll be mayor—nevermore!

 

Bob Fioretti in the style of Matsuo Bashō

Mike Ditka likes him.
The former Bears coach gave him
Twenty-five hundred.

And Sam Sianis
Of the Billy Goat Tavern
Gave him a thousand.

He got transfers from
His ward organization.
No big surprise there.

Man, it’s going to suck
When Alderman Bob has to
Work with the mayor.

 

William “Dock” Walls in the style of e e cummings

oh poor dock;aide to harold
wa
shing
Ton,but now a maker of shirts,perpetualcandidate
& Man who has pRovided
$45,000 of the (LOOPTHELOOP) $49,700 his campaign has raised in receipts and in-kind contributions since Oct. 15, 2014

Dude ain’t g(oi)ng to

 

 

win.

 

 

Jesús “Chuy” Garcia in the style of the Mandé people’s “Oral Epic of Son-Jara”

“He probably has the city’s best interests at heart. (Mmm)
“And the Reader is like in super-love with him. (Indeed)
“Like, seriously, Steve Bogira wants Chuy’s little mustache babies. (True)
“Teachers love this guy too. (Mmm)
“I mean, various teachers groups have given him $356,737.34 since October 15. (Indeed)
“Including $16,000 from Chicago Teachers Union President Karen Lewis’ campaign after she decided not to run because of her brain tumor. (Indeed)
“Lewis talked him into running when she couldn’t. (Indeed)
“So I guess he’s got the blessing of the teachers. (Indeed)
“A lot of the unions seem to like him too. (Indeed)
“SEIU for one. (Indeed)
“David Orr gave him the nod. (Indeed)
“Supports an elected school board. (Mmm)
“Would represent under-represented communities. (Indeed)
“Seems a decent, honest man. (Indeed)
“In disclosure, I’m a Chuy guy.” (No shit)

 

Rahm Emanuel in the style of Emily Dickinson (or the “Gilligan’s Island” theme)

Oh, Rahm’s funding, it wins the pack
In horse-race journalese.
What’s fun about his campaign chest?
It has celebrities.

Spielberg, Reinsdorf and Katzenberg.
Ballmer, Pritzkers and more.
Of course, the Rahm don’t need the cash,
That money-hungry whore.

Who cares ‘bout schools and mental health?
Who cares about the TIFs?
Who cares about the lying cops?
Like, really, what’s the diff?

He’s got more cash, therefore he’ll win,
Say news reports you’ve seen.
No matters what the issues tell,
They’ve called this race on green.

If you’re not registered to vote
For the upcoming race,
Please take heart, for we’re still in
The period of grace.

Just go to this here URL,
Learn where you should arrive
To register for cast your vote
For the next Man On Five.

So screw this horse-race money talk
And star-struck donor rolls.
Screw this crap and vote your heart
When you get to the polls.

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