#902: Election Endorsements (That You Actually Need)

March 16th, 2018

In the grand tradition of newsman-as-kingmaker and the arrogant assumption typing up public meetings and getting lied at by politicians more directly than the average citizen makes the journalist a grander herald of democracy, 1,001 Chicago Afternoons announces its endorsements for the March 20 primary election. 


1,001 Chicago Afternoons endorses voting. Because you’re a goddamn grownup. 

Early voting:

I like the hustle and bustle of day-of voting, but early voting is cool too, and sites are still open.

Not being a whiny little punk about voting:

Hey, you supercilious, nose-in-the-air, holier-than-now-because-you-are-on-the-email-newsletter-mailing-list-for-some-political-science-blog jackhole — you’re doing a lot of damage with your tweets and posts about how voting is pointless or we’ll never see real change until the two-party system is dismantled and blah blah blah blah. Until you get out there and actually destroy the patriarchy, this is the system we’re left with and people rely on it every day. Roads, hospitals, mental health centers, schools, taxes. You can fight for change while still making sure people who want to burn the whole thing down don’t take the reins. 1,001 Chicago Afternoons endorses not being a whiny little punk about voting.

Being able to open your mailbox without 10,000 attack ads falling out:

I realize they’ll be back come fall, but it’ll be nice for the smear ads to take a few months off.

Not picking candidates based on stupid stuff:

OK, I get it, you haven’t been reading up on every single judge or water reclamation district commissioner — you’re too busy reading dumb blogs like this one and Facebooking dog photos to use the actual machine you are holding in your hand right now to spend five minutes getting educated on your future rulers.

But when you get to the polls, don’t base your choices off stupid stuff, like party line, religion or ethnicity of name. I get it, you’re very proud of being Italian so you want some more on the bench. Congrats. You’re getting led by the nose.

Although a 2002 study debunked much of the old Cook County truism that Irish names get you elected, it found an Irish or female name (or both) can have just enough of an effect to swing tight primaries. Meet Cook County Democratic judicial candidate Shannon O’Malley, or as he was a few years ago, Will County Republican judicial candidate Phillip Spiwak. Yeah, he legally changed his name to sound more Irish because he thinks you’re stupid enough to fall for it. And he’s not alone.

Patrick Michael O’Brien (born Frederick S. Rhine) in 2006; Edward K. Flanagan (Edwin Korb), Richard O’Connell Owens (Richard Joseph Owens) and Bonnie Fitzgerald McGrath (Bonnie McGrath, which apparently wasn’t Irish enough) in 1998 — there were so many people Irishing up their names like a bartender Irishes coffee Illinois actually has a law about changing names pre-election.

They do it because they think you’re stupid tribalists who won’t look past the notion someone’s ancestors trod the same zone in Europe 300 years ago. 1,001 Chicago Afternoons endorses you not proving them right.

Maybe learning some stuff about the judges:

Although I’ve praised them in my six steps to voting like a champ and Bare Minimum Voting Guide, I’ve come to have some concerns about the bar associations’ judicial recommendations. Nothing concrete enough to put in pixel on the site here, but just some rumors and whispers about closed-door processes that made me realize I don’t know enough about how they’re generating the recommendations I rely on.

They are, however, by far the best tool we have for selecting capable judges. So I’m amending my endorsement for 2018: Only read bar association endorsements that explain why they’re picking the person. 

Here are two I like:

I endorse them, but I highly endorse you doing your own research on these people to select the candidates you feel best suited for the job.

And finally, 1,001 Chicago Afternoons and the 1,001 Chicago Afternoons editorial board endorse…

Chicago getting rid of those dumb voting receipts people try to like and starting to give out those cool “I Voted” stickers so I can walk around all pompous like a Catholic with a smear on her head on Ash Wednesday

Come on, Chicago. Get with the program.

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