#405: A Few Stray Ones

November 28th, 2014

In 2009, I was driving by Cermak and Ogden and saw a license plate that said GOLDIGR. It was on a Dodge Neon.

Someone’s not doing their job.

I am currently at my parents’ house for Death to All Turkeys Day 2014. That house is located in not-Chicago, which makes it pretty hard to write a blog post about Chicago.

Therefore, you get the stray ones. The little bits, observations and lame-ass jokes that have stuck in my head over the years but were never enough on their own to make one of the 1,001 Afternoons. Enjoy.

I love July 4 because I sometimes need to know where complete and total assholes live in my densely populated urban neighborhood. July 4 is the night they set off flares to help me find them.

I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past Perfect. It had told me about the meaning of the holidays.

Today’s throwback Thursday is this status. Conceived in the past, written thereafter, seen a fraction of a fraction of a second before our brains register the words, read by the light the sun shed eight minutes ago. We fall a millisecond before our brain registers the motion; our stars are misfit versions of skies long-dead. Nebulae we see forming now died thousands of years ago, the Pillars of Creation a millennium-gone monument to destruction. We live in the past, our brains and light too slow to read what is now, only what was in moments before. The consolation of this is a brief instant of immortality: We’ll all die before our bodies know we’re gone.

Also, man can you BELIEVE our hair back then? O-M-G!

An ad at my Metra station said that three out of four teenagers believe having easier access to marijuana may accelerate teens in trying other drugs.

Nine out of 10 teenagers believe liking the same pop song means you’re soul mates who will stay together forever. Teenagers are stupid.

From the website of a literacy charity I was did not end up donating to: “The amount to our organization does not impact the amount of you’re benefit.”

Some children will grow up to be homeless people. (I never said they were all funny.)

Kim Kardashian’s main purpose in our society at this point is to give people a quick shot of moral superiority without them having to do anything. Somehow, the less you know/care about her and her actions, the better a person you are.

She’s “I don’t even own a television” for people who own televisions.

“I need to look professional. So I’ll wear a ribbon over my shirt. A big, pretty ribbon.” — The person who invented ties.

And finally, two incredibly nerdy things I have said out loud to other people. Click for explanation.

“I’m going to be swamped like Alec Holland.”

“Square my i because this shit just got real.”

Happy Thanksgiving.

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