On Sept. 4, 2018, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking re-election, throwing the political landscape into turmoil.
In honor of Mayor Emanuel, who has provided poetic inspiration before and upon whose missing finger I have waxed philosophic, I offer a farewell in the form most befitting his mayorality: A song listing his potential successors in the style of a 1990s cartoon.
If you are Rahm Emanuel, I wish you and your inevitable consulting agency nothing but the best as we try to fix what you left us. Think of us when you’re smoothing some deal for Ticketmaster, Sterling Bay or Elon Musk’s underground network of rocket cars.
If you’re not Rahm, please watch this video before proceeding or none of this will make sense.
…
The Mayoral Candidates of Chicago
(In the style of Animaniacs)
Willie Wilson’s there of course, John Kozlar’s a dark horse.
One platform I like is Ja’Mal’s.
Raise your voice soon for a vote for Joyce Junior
Has as much chance as one for Dock Walls.
McCarthy’s cop scene would sure sew up Mount Greenwood.
Brown’s a pro and might be a con.
One story might put fame on Lori Lightfoot.
Vallas’ platform’s just “not being Rahm.”
There’s Daley and Roney, Kelly and Enyia, LaRaviere and Neal Sáles-Griffin.
Those are just those who officially see a campaign but here’s who might, if’n:
So don’t he or do he, Luis asks of Chuy.
A bid we might not see, or yet he
Might decide to plunk in — so could Arne Duncan.
And what’s up with Bob Fioretti?
It wouldn’t quite stun me if Thomas Tunney,
The alderman for Wrigleyville,
Pulled a Preckwinkle and threw a new wrinkle
In the race, just like Quigley will.
There’s Chico and Boykin, Pappas and Mendoza, Pawar, Summers and LaShawn Ford,
Lopez and Hairston — heaven sure knows ya are already getting quite bored.
In terms of fiction, there’s some Twitter friction
I might want to add to this verse.
I’ll give joke campaigns a pass, like that of John Kass,
Because they actually couldn’t do worse.
I really just can’t with Chicago Party Aunt,
Whose one joke is [sex] [celeb] [dead bar],
But I would keep an eye on Art Institute Lion.
I think NORTH has a chance to head far.
And now we will see that it’s for you and me to keep tabs on every new player.
So follow the media (or just Wikipedia) and find out who wants to be mayor!
