#809: The Pantheon of Terrible Chicago Mascots Welcomes Jewel-Osco’s JoJo, Who Feeds on Children’s Darkness

June 28th, 2017 § permalink

Please take a moment to enjoy this image of JoJo the Bloodshot before beginning this story.

[Scene: A conference room in a spacious Loop skyscraper. A group of foam and fur creatures wander around the table, chatting and sipping coffee. A pantsless preteen bear trades business cards with a dancing pig as a giant eagle squats and starts to say “I’ve got something-” to an inflatable women’s basketball fan with a jetpack.]

[A giant green pile of sentient moss shaped like a child’s drawing of a dinosaur walks in, takes off his White Sox cap and places an attache case at the head of the conference table.] » Read the rest of this entry «


June 26th, 2017 § permalink

I’ve been a bit busy. » Read the rest of this entry «

#807: The Wizarding World of a Little Black Box

June 23rd, 2017 § permalink

The muggles were loitering by the House of Blues. » Read the rest of this entry «

#806: Invisible Ink

June 21st, 2017 § permalink

Over the winter, I met with a bright, energetic, early-20s writer who wanted to do a story on me for a local arts website.

I think I made him sad. » Read the rest of this entry «

#805: Grapefruit, Rubber Bands and Weaponized Sadness — A Tale of Malört

June 19th, 2017 § permalink

He had a contemplative look on his face, as if someone he trusted had hold him 2 + 2 = Aardvark and out of respect he was trying to see if there was anything to it.

Then a vein bulged in his forehead. His mouth pulled back in a grimace and hiss, he took two steps back and made a noise that was a combination of “Whoo!” and a deflating inner tube.

My cousin had tried Malört. » Read the rest of this entry «

#804: Daisy Mills Puppy Farm

June 16th, 2017 § permalink

It turns out Snoopy was born at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, but the man running the trivia night said he’d take Daisy Mills. » Read the rest of this entry «

#803: The Machine

June 14th, 2017 § permalink

It starts with a reference at work, that’s where the machine rumbles to life.

We’re past the point as a culture where we tell people news. The assumption now is that we already know what happened. The assumption is that we already know who killed whom by firing what randomly where. The assumption when chatting in the office is that it’s OK to start right in on the references and skip the 5 Ws and the H (who, what, when, where, why and how many dead). » Read the rest of this entry «

#802: A Bunch of Out-of-Context Tribune Archives Artwork Because I Moved Over the Weekend and Everything Hurts

June 12th, 2017 § permalink

In the spirit of past 1,001 Chicago Afternoons tales “#717: Five Images from Chicago Collections Consortium to Haunt Your Turkey Comas” and “#770: Quack Cures and How Bad They’d Kill You” and because I moved that damn marble-top end table of my grandparents’ by myself over the weekend and my arms feel like someone punched me over and over and over until I gave them my lunch money, I present to you now “#802: A Bunch of Out-of-Context Tribune Archives Artwork Because I Moved Over the Weekend and Everything Hurts.” » Read the rest of this entry «

#801: Icing

June 9th, 2017 § permalink

No one likes a happy man. » Read the rest of this entry «

#800: Knowing a Lot

June 7th, 2017 § permalink

Men play bags at the corner bar north across North.

The distance and the scream of cars rushing over the avenue make it an oddly silent game, little marionettes stepping forward to underhand bean bags into the sky, hoping their loft comes ka-thunking down near the board set up on the game’s other side. One man makes an odd wooting call that cuts through the traffic for a moment. Wha-ooo, not wha-hoo. Wha-ooo.

You’re standing by an empty lot that used to house a corrupt alderman’s bar. » Read the rest of this entry «

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